The role of caregiver to aging parents can be a rugged journey along a treacherous path of frustration and indecision. As children of aging parents, we are often right in the middle of the busiest part of our own lives. Growing children, stressful careers, financial concerns, an empty nest loom large. Our worries, along with night sweats, keep us up at night.
PARENTING OUR PARENTS
Being responsible for Mom and/or Dad is not something we are necessarily prepared to do. The memories of how hard we worked to move out of their lives and be independent are still fresh. Add to that the tug of unfinished childhood business and we should not be surprised when feelings of resistance arise. We are also asking ourselves to give up the familiar child who still wants a parent to depend upon at times.
It is uncomfortable and awkward to become parent to a parent and it is just as often uncomfortable for the parent to to relinquish the senior position. We are stepping in at a time when our parents are struggling with a loss of control on a grander scale in their day-to-day life.
It takes two people, well grounded and comfortable with who they are, to enjoy this journey. Most of us are not in that place! However, love allows for, and simultaneously demands, developing fluidity and growing acceptance of ourselves and our parents through this stage of life. Consider it a practice field upon which to hone a number of valuable life skills. You will be richer for it.
Here are just a few:
PATIENCE
Practice patience, not only with your loved one, but with yourself. Accept that we never have all of the answers, but we do the best we can with what we have. We are always in a state of “becoming” and all will be as it should be.
Focus on the now. Today is all we have. Focus on the most valuable and meaningful thing in each moment. Consider that sitting with Mom and watching the birds might be just more important than spending an hour on the phone making doctor’s appointments.
EDUCATION
Read. Reading articles, books and anything you can get your hands on that deals with the issues you are facing. It is a very helpful way not only to gain a fresh perspective, but also to feel less alone in your difficulties. When I was caring for my parents there was very little information or support available for the children of aging parents. Luckily, you can now find a plethora of information at your finger tips online. A few of the people I know personally are listed here in the Caregiving Section of my website and any of them will gladly offer a hand.
SELF-CARE
Create space for you. This skill might just be the difficult one you will need to practice, but it is also the most important. Your soul must breathe, your inner spirit must live, if you are to continue to give to others as life requires of you. Caregiver burnout is not a pleasant experience, having been there myself, and it’s not good for you physically, mentally or emotionally to give until you can give no more. Keep your well filled and you will have what you need before, during and after the period of time you are caring for your parents. Create space in your day, every day, for quiet, do-nothing time, even if it’s only ten minutes.
Exercise. Physical exercise is an excellent way to burn off the excess adrenaline that bombards one’s body during stressful times. Just be alert to any tendency you might have to over exercise and honor your body’s need for rest and relaxation.
Fill your backpack with a few of these essential life skills and climbing the mountain ahead will be easier than you may imagine.
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