Marriage at Midlife: Letting Go ~ “An Unfinished Symphony”

Marriage at Midlife: Letting Go ~ Part 3

“The rhythm of life is when you experience your own body, mind and soul.”

~ The Yogi Tea Bag Mystic

The time arrived. The striving had ceased. My time to care for others had ended. Midlife is a time of letting go, and of saying goodbye to the dreams of our youth. We grieve the loss of childhood innocence and let go of the belief that we are eternal beings. It is time to release our children, to dare to let go of their hand and allow them to fly free. They must choose their own destinies, as we have chosen ours. This takes courage, but it also takes an ability to trust the process, to trust life itself.

As I gave myself permission to say goodbye to my children as children, and goodbye to my earthly mother and father, I let go of many demands on my time. Surprisingly, I was also letting go of the shackles of expectation. Lying in the empty space that remained was an opportunity to look for, and find, myself. The rhythm of life carries us forward, even if we can not choose to do so. The hands of time hurl us through experiences we barely see, let alone comprehend, and before we know it we have landed somewhere totally unexpected.

MIDLIFE GATEWAY

My arrival at the gate of midlife was abrupt and unyielding. I had covered my eyes for as long as I could and then I knew I had to begin the journey back to myself. It was time. This letting go process extended to my marriage as well, where I unwittingly harbored unrealistic expectations and wounds left by dashed hopes.  I had held on too long and too feverishly to a very small and narrow idea of how things were supposed to be.

My husband could not soothe all of my pains, cure-all of my ills and wash away all of my problems. Our love was not a cure all as I had imagined in my youth. He was not the narrow version of a man I dreamed he was; the fantasy that our perfect connection would allow us to transmit, one to the other, exactly the thing the other needed. The illusion of love and romance lives on as long as it possibly can because the idea of it is so complete. However, it is only an idea, a goal, a lure to bring a deeper kind of connection and intimacy we all crave.

I BELIEVE IN LOVE

I will always believe in love. No matter what, I will always hold onto the hope that if one wants love, they will find it. The idea of love, and the bits we accept from our loved ones, gives us hope and courage to face another day. It can allow us to acknowledge our fears and do it anyway. Love is the underpinning of truth and goodness and freedom. I believe in ever after. I believe in a one and only. It is and it is not exactly what I thought it would be when I was fifteen. It is more.

Love could not provide the reason for living if it were not complex. It is the simplest and yet the most complex of forces, stirring our hearts to ferocious anger and life sacrificing risk. Just as we set our children free, we must set love free.  We must allow it to breathe, to grow and expand and instruct us as to its true nature and intent. Just as we can only be our true self when we abandon our expectations of the outcome, so too it is necessary to set our beloved free, to release him/her from any and all expectations. Then the magic happens.

As we release our beloved, and step away from an “I-It” relationship and into an “I-Thou” relationship (Martin Buber), purpose reveals itself. It does not matter how our beloved performs, what matters is that we stand face to face and accept and appreciate the other for the miracle that exists both individually and collectively. Standing together thus, we might just see the face of God.

Midlife Marriage: LETTING GO

And so, I released my children. I released my husband and I am now slowly releasing myself from my own expectations. And, I have witnessed a miracle. Day by day, I am growing into the person I  was born to be. And, I am surprised daily by the gifts God has placed so gently and lovingly in my hands. My beloved has begun to break the chains that bound him to an I-It relationship with himself and with me and he too has begun to move into a new, unexpected, yet fully recognizable place.  More often than ever before, we stand together, ever so loosely bound by love and our commitment to one another, to embrace our destiny in an I-Thou connection.

The details hardly matter, as it is the freedom that we have both begun to feel in our individual lives and in our life together that tells the story. I would encourage all married couples facing a midlife marriage crisis to release the death grip on what you thought your marriage should or could have been and turn your attention away from all expectations on your spouse. Turn your attention to yourself and discover what gifts lie buried within you. There are tools, books, therapists, and life coaches to nudge you forward, but the truth is within you. While you are busy “finding yourself”, the miracle of life will be having its affect on your beloved. It is up to him to allow the influences to mold and shape his understanding of himself and your marriage. Trust the process and the miracle of a new beginning may just take root.

AN UNFINISHED SYMPHONY

My marriage of twenty-nine years is an unfinished symphony. Our instruments still need tuning and we often struggle with the Director’s methodology. But in spite of, or because of  all of its imperfections, our life together occasionally produces sounds so sweet that one can’t help but recognize the dim reflection of eternal love.

Part 1: Aging Abundantly Through the Challenges of Marriage

Part 2: Challenges of Marriage at Midlife