LIFE EBBS AND FLOWS
There are times in life when we are swept away by the task at hand. Committed to our goals, we have all the energy we need to see them through to their conclusion. We feel connected and involved in life. At other times, however, most often when an unexpected change has occurred, we face uncertainty about what to do, and who we are. A kind of restlessness takes over, and we me feel lethargic, discontent or uncertain.
During the childbearing years most mothers are so caught up in the demands of day-to-day life, t they have little time in their days or space in their psyches to think about much else. A whirlwind of activity hurdles them through the years as they hang on for dear life, committed to the process to the end. It’s a life that demands much and often requires putting one’s own needs and desires aside.
One day, the end arrives. We are caught completely off guard. We wake up and find we are alone and the house is very quiet. We have become empty-nesters. Just as fast as it all began, it ends. We laughed with friends and joked about how happy we would be when the house was empty and we could be free of demands at last. We couldn’t wait to do our own thing, to have the house to ourselves, to have real, quality time with our husbands and be free at last. The reality, when it does arrive, is very different.
The ending seems abrupt and the change to our day-to-day life is oddly bewildering. The empty house is not a joyous experience, it’s. . . well, it’s empty. The quiet is sad. The free time seems purposeless. The thoughts begin, “Wasn’t it only a second ago that they couldn’t take a breath without us?” “How did they become self-sufficient so quickly?” “I no longer feel needed, important, necessary.” Oh yeah, that was the goal!
The empty nest…
The empty nest can feel dreadfully quiet and lonely. In that quiet space it is easy to let self-doubt and fear creep in as we seem to lose our sense of value and purpose. Our children have left our world for their own, both physically and psychologically. They are building a life apart from us and we are no longer privy to the little ups and downs of their day-to-day existence. How quickly we have forgotten how we felt at their age. Yes, we remind ourselves, they are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. But what are we supposed to be doing?
There is no way to prepare for our reaction to experiences we’ve never had before. It helps to think about this time as a period of transition, not just an ending. And like all transitions, we are in a state of flux and we are going to feel uncomfortable. The discomfort is an invaluable shove to keep us moving forward, to process the experience so that we can move forward into something new.
When we welcome the discomfort rather than resist it, we allow the feelings and thoughts we have to move through us. Resistance and avoidance will only keep the feelings locked inside of us, prolonging our discomfort. It takes time to process life’s difficult experiences, but we can get through them and we will. Life will feel “normal” again.
The truth is, motherhood is something that has the inherent capacity to take our focus off ourselves. Over the years of childrearing, we lose track of who we are as individuals. We have much less time to focus on our dreams, our desires, our goals and ambitions. We squeeze them in around the edges. When we lose our connection with ourselves, we are more likely to feel lost when an external change occurs. Many mothers are not prepared for parent obsolescence.
The Steps of Transition
The “empty nest” is a period of transition. The caterpillar becoming a butterfly metaphor is perfect for describing what happens during any significant change. We enter a process of transformation. The caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon and completely melts down into a liquid substance. It becomes unrecognizable, unformed. It exists in this state for a period of time and then slowly begins to miraculously transform into a butterfly. It’s a spectacular and miraculous part of nature that exists in us as well. The process of moving out of the cocoon is not an easy one, but when the creature emerges it is far more beautiful than the caterpillar that went into the cocoon.
This process of metamorphosis is something that is a part of nature and is a fundamental part of the process of transformation. Whether we are facing an empty nest, retirement or the loss of a job or loved one, we experience the death of an aspect of ourselves. It is essential to take the necessary time to grieve our loss.
Our identity as a mother was an integral part of who we were for twenty or more years. The loss of this aspect of identity is understandably wrenching. Allow yourself the time and opportunity to grieve, to reflect on your years as a mother, to look for the good, the joy, the gifts. Ask yourself, “what will I miss most about these years? This is where your grief lies. Feel it. Let your tears flow. It is only after the grieving that there will be room for something new.
Avoid obsessing over the past
Wallowing in guilt and regret about the things we wish we’d done differently as a mother, is our psyche’s clever way of avoiding the pain of the present moment. Some self-reflection is always valuable, too much is avoidance behavior. Parents whose children have difficulty adjusting to adulthood, are most vulnerable to falling into the regret trap. Whenever possible, stop yourself from rehashing regrets. What’s done is done. It is now your children’s responsibility to make the most of what has been given to them. We all have to build a life from the hand that we were dealt. No parent is perfect. We do the best we can, but there comes a point when our job is done. It’s up to them now.
Also avoid the temptation to worry about the future. Living in fear of what tomorrow may bring is also a handy way of avoiding today’s discomfort and pain. Today is all we have. The future will take care of itself.
THIS TIME IS. . .
fertile ground for personal and spiritual growth. Rather than filling the void with fear and guilt, we have been given a perfect opportunity to learn and grow and discover. Dare to just “be” in this time, this in-between time. Tune into your inner voice and listen to the callings of your heart. Follow where it leads.
Ignite this journey by reading a good book or learning something new. When we embrace our creative selves we provide fertilizer for the garden that is our true, authentic self. The answers will come and the future will unfold as it should. When the pain subsides, you will be ready to bloom.
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Nice post, Dorothy. I agree that the empty nest is an important phase of adult development. Yes, time to grieve what we are letting go of, but also a very fertile time for discovering what the next part of life is going to be. The hard part is tolerating the ambiguity.
I have drifted on to the next step – the senior in the family – how did that happen so soon. I am watching my daughter struggle daily with the fact that her son will soon be off to college. Through her eyes, I relive my empty nest anxiety. My father always said, you never lose your children – you just pick up more. I know now what he meant. I could not ask for better DIL’s and SIL. And the grandchildren – what can I say that has not already been said by every grandparent. Right now I see my daughter in denial – can’t be happening look in her eyes. Guess we all have to go through it – one of the passages.
Dorothy,
Thank you so much for your words and advice on empty nesters. I am 56 and am having a TERRIBLE time dealing with this stage in my life. It is just my husband and I, and though he is wonderful man in so many ways –he is not one for conversation. I feel so lonely. I always read how “liberating” the 50’s are…they are not for me. I feel I have no real purpose anymore ….Work fills up my time but I am not fulfilled. How do I stop worrying about the future and the fear of being alone someday. It terrifies me. Please any suggestions from all of you ladies would be very appreciated.
You are so far from being alone in this feeling and concern Sally. I love my husband dearly but men and women communicate differently even in the best of relationships. Women find so much meaning and purpose in life while raising their children that when that very intense phase of life has passed we feel an emptiness. That empty place is just waiting to be filled with something else that gives your life meaning and purpose. It’s a wonderful opportunity to reach out for a new dream. Change may seem a painful process but we are often slowed by fear rather than pain. Living an unfulfilled and unhappy life is far more painful than change and change doesn’t have to happen in one enormous step, it’s more often little steps taken one by one that adds up to big things. If you don’t mind reading non-fiction may I suggest you reading “Finding Your North Star” by Martha Beck. It helped me tremendously when I was where you are. I listened to it over and over on headphones at night when overwhelming fear kept me from sleeping. I also found that reaching out to other women our age enormously fulfilling. Are you following us on Facebook?
Thank you Dorothy for you words of encouragement, and I greatly appreciate ANY books that you can recommend. I have been reading books that deal with the empty nest as well other transitions in life. They have been very helpful, but I know I need some type of “strategies” that can help me move toward a more peaceful state.
All of Martha Beck’s books were tremendously helpful to me when I was where you are now. If you like and benefit from North Star, Steering by Starlight is next! They gave me tools to take the steps I needed to take make a major change in my life and finally reach for things I always wanted. I will be writing more reviews about some of them over the next few months.
I just turned 60 this year and my situation is fairly similar to Sally’s. It is just my husband and myself now. We are empty-nesters; children all live far away, and no grandchildren. I retired early, and my husband is still employed. He too is a very good husband; but, after working long hours during the week, he needs time to unwind during the weekend. I find I have so much time to myself and feel lonely. I do volunteer once in awhile but I just feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I really don’t know what. I feel so disconnected. I really lost contact with friends and interest in things. I can’t say that I am worried but I just can’t put my finger on what it is that will really make me happy now. I guess for now, I too will try your suggestion, Dorothy, and read the book. Thanks!
Linda, is there something you have always wanted to do but never seem to find the time? What were your dreams for yourself before children? Apart from raising your children, what has brought you the most joy and fulfillment over the years? What is your secret longing? What do you enjoy doing so much you forget what time it is? What can make you jump out of bed in the morning in anticipation?
Life can be an adventure, but very often as women we get pulled into those things that are at hand and in need of doing and we get pulled off the path we were intended to follow. The childbearing years were very important to us and that is as it should be. But now, we get to live for something else and that something else may take some time to percolate to the surface. Your unrest and dissatisfaction with things as they are is your inner voice nudging toward your future.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. You are not alone as you can see. I hope that you will find some support and encouragement in conversations here. DS
I have a question, Dorothy, that perhaps you can lend me some insight on. I love the concept of reinventing ourselves, but how do you fit your husband into the equation? This never seems to be addressed and it’s a reality that has to be considered when pursuing a goal. My husband and I honestly do not have much, if anything, in common. I am not trying to paint a negative picture of him, nor am I saying I cannot do things for “me” (I’ve had to do that for years). I wish I could say this “rebirth” would just about me, but in reality I feel it’s more complicated. Can you share on this…
Sally, you have opened a whole can of worms! You are right that I have not addressed the “husband” issue, partly because so many women are opting for divorce that being married seems almost anachronistic and irrelevant. And yet, to many like myself and perhaps you, my marriage and my husband is and has been so important to me that it’s like a giant hole in this discussion on aging. My married life has been far from easy and I have had to deal with many issues during this particular period of transition in my own life. I understand the confusion you are facing. It feels overwhelming but when you start to take apart the pieces of the puzzle you will find your answer. I know I did. Pieces still remain to be untangled but it is always a step by step process and learning to live with the ambivalence and confusion while you work it out separately and together.
You have made me realize that I have been neglectful in not addressing this aspect of aging. And I will take up the challenge and let the chips fall where they may. In the meantime, feel free to contact me via email and if you would like to talk further about your particular situation. Sanderdoe@gmail.com
Dorothy,
Please do not feel “neglectful”…you have been helping so many others like me try to find our way. Thank you so much for your offer to contact you to discuss this further. I look forward to what insights and advice you have regarding the husband’s role ( or lack of) in this transition and our search for an identity.
You are so right when you said during any transition period in life, whether it be an empty nest, retirement or a loss of any kind, it is important to take the time to grieve what we have lost. Our identity as a mother was a very important part of who we were for twenty years or more. It takes time to replace this identity with a new one. It is so important to feel and respect what’s happening — not ignore.
Love your insight here. Rather than grieve the loss of mothering and retirement and move forward, I have filled the gap by grasping at grand parenting. That works only to a limited extent if I am going to be unobtrusive to my childrens independence. Indulging in a mixture of attending to my inner self along with some creativity and new learning is an exciting way to both be in the here & now as well as courageously look forward to the future. Thanks for that thought! I hope to internalize that!
Two things we have found to help a lot, as a couple, try new things together. Things neither partner is familiar with. Learning together forms new bonds. The other is to focus on developing an adult to adult relationship with your kids. You are not losing them, they are going on with the natural progression of their lives. Think back to how it felt to be starting out.
You do a wonderful job of effectively describing verbally the nuances and range of thoughts and feelings. That ability truly brings some clarity to the confusion. I am grateful for your writing talent. Thank you, Dorothy.
Thank you Marilyn! I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. I was visiting my boys half way across the continent! Speaking of empty nest!