The Aftermath of a Childhood of Abuse

A childhood of abuse or neglect sets the stage for an adult who does not know who they are.  Healthy boundaries are either a mystery or non-existent, and their behavior often either too rigid or too fluid. When we don’t know who we are, we may unconsciously cling to the rules and belief systems that were imposed on us as children, or we borrow our structure from external belief system such as a religion, a political party, or a social group. These external rules relief us of having to make our own decisions and provide a sense of identity and security when he have none internally.  External guidance allows us to function, but not very well as we are without an inner compass.

Sometimes, adult children of abuse exist without edges and live a life of an emotional and psychological amoeba. As such, we allow whoever or whatever is in our life at any given moment to take up residence within us. We live in a constant state of reaction to, rather than action toward from within. Never having learned to validate our own wants, needs and desires, we wander aimlessly through life falling victim again and again to the whims, desires and manipulations of those who don’t hesitate to define our boundaries for us. The child who is ignored, drowned out, or in any other way taught to ignore her own inner voice and guidance, is a child without edges and a child destined to suffer as an adult, until or unless she discovers through trial and error what her edges do exist.

These two different reactions to abuse are a match made in heaven. They attract one another like iron to a magnet, perpetuating the chain of abuse in an endless dance. The rigid must constantly remind themselves and everyone around them what they believe and who they are. Beneath this drive is the unconscious fear that without constant feedback and validation they will disintegrate or disappear. It’s a life or death activity that keeps the veneer in place.  What better way to do this than to seek out those with porous boundaries, who are looking for their edges, who are willing to be influenced, and who have learned not to question or challenge?

If, however, one is able to begin to feel and sense their way toward  or become aware of the ember of our real self that still glows in the recesses of our heart and soul, we can begin the exciting, albeit terrifying journey of self-discovery. We must go back and raise ourselves, give ourselves the adult guidance and structure that allows our inner child to blossom.

We once had our very own responses to life. We once had our own thoughts, our own feelings, our own deep physical and emotional expression of all that we are. We can have it again.

The disassociation I experienced after the accident was the most extreme expression of my own disconnection from myself, though it began much earlier. It is an utterly terrifying feeling to be without boundaries, to feel utterly powerless and helpless. How many children feel this way every day of their lives? How many of these children grow up to be deeply troubled adults?

As a victim of abuse or trauma, finding a connection to oneself is an ongoing challenge, but one that is not only essential but worth the effort. When we heal our own suffering, we stop the cycle. It’s time to stop the cycle of abuse.

In Search of My Edges

Still Learning