UNRAVELING TO AWAKEN AUTHENTICITY

“Unraveling external selves and coming home to our real identity is the true meaning of soul work.”

Sue Monk Kidd

Unraveling to awaken authenticity is an important task for the aging woman. Yes, there is much to be done in the unraveling department, but we are uniquely ready. Fortunately, when true unraveling begins, one quickly begins to feel lighter. The heavy weight of pain and confusion lifts and new challenges are now laced with hope. As ones identity and soul find true connection, it is both energizing and life affirming.

AWAKENING

If anyone had told me years ago that I would feel younger, happier and freer at sixty-three than ever before in my life, I would have been convinced they were smoking something. I lived pretty much most of fifty something years under a black cloud, fighting, struggling, despairing…suffering inside in a way I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

My dedication to the pursuit of self-understanding and awareness began at an early age. I was drawn to the spiritual life, like a moth to a flame. All those years ago I understood the human need and desire for connection with the divine, implicitly. What I didn’t understand was why I suffered so, nor did I understand how the world and the divine could cross paths. It seemed that the divine was speaking, but no one was listening.

ENTERING THE SPIRITUAL REALM

Throughout my life, I moved toward God only to fall away. I moved toward authenticity with the help of spiritual teachers, and an understanding of the interior life. Each attempt to carry what I learned into the world, however, was met with frustration. I did not know how to put words to any of what I knew to be true. There was no path between my inside world and my outside world.

The symbolic language I found to describe my  spiritual self did not work in my practical, every day surroundings. I desperately wanted to find a connection between the two. I did not want to leave the world behind and go to a mountain top, although at times I wish I could. At once, I was alone with God and alone in the world.

 

“If you have the words, there’s always a chance that you’ll find the way.” – Seamus Heaney

GAINING CLARITY

Now all these years later I’m beginning to see more clearly what happened. I was a product of my times. There was no comfortable place in the world for my spiritual yearnings. Even seminary, a decidedly pragmatic environment, was more about vocation than spirituality. We all believed in the fundamentals of the Christian faith, questioned and discussed them amongst ourselves, but once we left the hallowed halls, we were on our own. The ultimate goal was less about living the faith than bringing it to others in the church setting. What about bringing it into the world at large? Why must we put it into a box only to be brought out on Sunday morning in a pre-programmed environment? I couldn’t buy into any of it.

To my way of thinking, what was always wrong with the “church” was what is still wrong with organized religion. It’s religion in a box. It’s not about spiritual listening and learning and becoming. It’s not about looking for God in the everyday world of board meetings and while making peanut butter sandwiches for your kids. We paid lip service to that, but there really was no support structure for such a lifestyle.  Religious traditions are too small, too narrow, too limiting for what I believe God to be and the spiritual life to require.

RELIGION VS THE SPIRITUAL LIFE VS AUTHENTICITY

When “religion” didn’t answer my questions or satisfy my yearnings the Divine still that lived in my heart. I just stopped paying attention to her voice. She was still there, calling to me, needling me, tormenting me. I chose to turn my back on my soul and sought refuge in psychology. Therapy. Medication. Pain. More therapy. More pain. More medication.

I learned much about the human psyche, but it did little to build self-esteem or see the value of life. I remained, at my core, disconnected from my authentic self. I was still ignoring, or avoiding, that place from which all real self-esteem comes. The deep inner voice of authenticity is at once spiritual and real. This voice does not exist in the clouds, it exists within. It does not exist in the pulpit, it exists everywhere.

Perhaps it takes self-esteem to trust the inner voice enough to begin a dialogue. And our inner voice returns the favor and builds self-esteem. Authenticity sounds stagnant, but it is a journey that continues to unfold for as long as we live. Transformation begins as we learn to tune in to our deep, inner voice and hear the messages and guidance of our soul, we begin to find peace. We discover who we are and what we have to offer to the world. We learn to trust again, and we live and breathe what we value no matter where we are or who we’re with. No therapist, no religion, no worldly structure or construct can ever teach us that.

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