Not Doing

We are, too often, miserable when we are not doing. In our increasingly fast- paced world there is little incentive to not-do. No wonder old age terrifies us! We can’t imagine “not doing”! We are so programmed to do, do, do.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with doing. It feels good to be productive. A problem arises, however, when we don’t know how to stop, rest and relax.

YOUTHFUL VIGOR

In our youth, when energy, drive and ambition was in surplus, we didn’t feel the need to stop. Then in our middle years, our responsibilities multiply ten fold. Jobs, children, aging parents, menopause. Yikes! We find we want to stop, but can’t!

We are a generation of doers. Indeed, doers were honored with degrees, monetary wealth, and a resume the length of your arm. We’re still doing it. How many over-fiftiers are desperately searching for something meaningful “to do”? Learning to “not-do” is a worthy addition to our resume!

GET COMFORTABLE WITH NON-DOING

How does one get comfortable with not-doing? Do we even really see the value in it?  In my last post I talked about the in-between times and not-doing is exactly what’s required during periods of time when we just don’t know exactly where we’re headed. Our inclination to do leads to filling up our time and space with random activities and endless mental gymnastics, most of which, if you’re like me, amount to beating ourselves up for not doing.

The fact is, not-doing is an essential part of doing. Moments of quiet, when we have no demands upon us and no drive within us, our body/mind/spirit is settling down, processing, and getting ready for the next task. We waste our energy when we fight this natural and very important stage. In fact, the older we get, the less up and at ’em doing we’ll be doing. That’s exactly as it should be!

MEDIA DRIVEN VALUES

There are those who are revered by the media and those of us who read and spread the news, like seventy seven year old Ernestine Shepherd who lifts weights like a thirty year old man, abd Diana Nyad who swam from Cuba to Florida at sixty four. They are unusual. Most of us will never measure up to these women with our physical prowess, but the underlying message that doing is more valuable than not-dong is an overdone paradigm in our culture. It’s not really any different than thin is better, young is better, etc.

WHAT DO YOU VALUE?

If we are not doing we wonder how we are to value our existence? What if we sit in a chair and stare out of the window for an hour, or a day, does that not have value? What if we never bake another cake for a charity event, or gather food for the homeless, is it possible for us to still have value? I bore witness to the last half of my mother’s life and she had an endless to-do list, a restlessness to her being. She didn’t feel right unless she had a project in the works. My father was the same way. Both died feeling to no small extent that they had not done enough.

I run into women every day, online and off, who are unhappy, dissatisfied, restless, uninspired, anxious, despairing and totally convinced they have no value. They deride themselves because they don’t have a degree, or an important job, or their art hanging in a gallery, or a published book, or three grandchildren, or enough money in the bank. How many of us live every day dissatisfied with who we are and what we have?

WINDOWS TO WISDOM

We get a little smarter as we get older. We care a little less about the kudos and accolades that we sought after in our youth, but I’m pretty sure most of us feel, at least from time to time, like we’re not “measuring up” in the way we are handling the aging process. How should we be measuring ourselves?

At the first of the year I posted my Windows to Wisdom.  A summary of the things I’ve come to value as I age, it’s a work in progress. It’s a list of non-doing things, things that require no particular physical skill or worldly outcome. Rather they are challenges to help us improve the quality of our lives from the inside out.

If we have to do, if we just can’t stop doing, and I’m not altogether sure that we can or should, let’s measure ourselves not by externals, but by what we are doing on the inside. Furthermore, let’s measure our success by how regularly we focus our attention on developing our wisdom, not on outcomes. Wisdom, like love, spills over. It just can’t help it.