Duke University
Durham, NC
“Defining Life Realistically” is Carl Jung‘s third task of his Seven Tasks of Aging. The last ten years have been a major reality check for me. I’m still trying to find my balance.
When we “cling to illusions that are contrary to reality, then problems will surely arise”, according to Jung. We come into the aging process attached to so many illusions. We are not prepared when a reality such as the sudden death of a loved one, a broken marriage, a child on drugs, a health crisis, or a devastating career setback.
HARSH REALITIES
Harsh realities can occur prior to midlife, but in our youth we are less invested and still believe that our life will go on forever. By the time we reach our forties and fifties, we begin to catch a solid glimpse of our finitude.
I was 19 when my father very suddenly and unexpectedly lost his job. He was sixty. Too young for retirement, too old (at that time in our history) to be hired by someone else. He sent out over 200 resumes and received nothing. (Fortunately this is less true now.) I watched him crumble, his lifelong pursuit of a good, secure and stable life fall by the wayside. My belief in corporate America was shattered. I was able never able to recover my confidence in it and have been self-employed ever since.
I carried forth with the illusion for the next several decades that I could create my own independent, successful life, and that I did not have to be controlled and dependent upon something or someone outside of myself. During my midlife awakening years I discovered I was wrong about that as well! I faced endless obstacles as I attempted to create an independent, successful lifestyle. Circumstances and events beyond my control sidelined me, just as corporate America side-lined my Dad. In my fifties reality hit hard as I began to see that despite my efforts I would not be able to accomplish what I set out and worked so hard to accomplish. I was running out of time and energy to keep trying.
LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD
I had been living in a dream world. In our youth we dream big. It’s what we’re supposed to do. And, at midlife, according there is a reckoning. We finally wake up to the awareness that it is time to let go of some of our dreams. These dreams are often ones that no longer serve us, but this does not make them easy to let go of. Defining life realistically, using all of the experience and knowledge acquired in our first four to five decades, puts us in a better place to live our later years.
WAKING UP AS WE GROW OLDER
There are so many things that wake us up as we add years. Our bodies, for example, are a never ending source of reality checks that remind us of passing time. Weight loss becomes harder. Building strength and endurance becomes a slower process. The damage we’ve done through fad diets, too much stress, indifference to our needs is harder to repair. We are no longer on the same track of trying to look a certain way. The illusion that we will one day, if we work hard enough, become a perfect size 6, 8, 10, or 12, slips through our fingers, when we witness and must accept the middle age sagging, bulging and softening when it begins.
This is all as it should be. Problems arise only when we cling to our illusions. When we cling to the idea that we can look thirty when we’re sixty, or that we can break through every glass ceiling, we’re in for a wake up call. Beliefs such as “I deserve, or am owed a happy marriage”, or “my life must always stay the same” leads us to resentment, despair, anger and frustration.
Coming to terms with what is, in a culture that wants us to believe we can have and do whatever we desire, is a challenge. It is, however, also a privilege, a rite of passage that will open the doors to a better place. When we cling to our illusions we remain stuck. When we let them go and begin defining life realistically, we begin the awakening of our inner life.
What have been your wake up calls as you age? How have you navigated them? Are you aware of other illusions still needing attention?
Task 1 Facing the Reality of Aging and Dying
Task 2 A Life Review
Discover more from Aging Abundantly
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
This is a really important piece of writing that you’ve done! Could you please just ride around on my shoulder and whisper in my ear so I can do better…..be better?
Trust me, it’s a process! A little bit at a time. Be patient with yourself.
We’re in constant change. The reality of aging suddenly arrives and we begin discovering new limitations as to what we’re able to do. We must let go of many things we used to do, but because we can’t do as much as we used to, it doesn’t mean we should just sit down and let the rest of the world go by. Staying as active as possible is the secret to aging well. It doesn’t mean we run the marathon we used to participate in, but we find something that our bodies and minds are comfortable doing, like yoga, or walking everyday.
I’m mostly enjoying the aging process. I find much freedom in not having to rush around like a chicken with my head cut off, and being able to observe the changes in the world from a distance. I’m much more relaxed than I used to be and take things in stride more easily.
Yes, indeed, Joan. You sum it up beautifully! Less pressure, more freedom and taking things in stride are some of the perks of giving up our illusions.
I keyed in on this line especially: Our bodies are another never ending source of reality checks.
Just this morning I took a one-mile bike ride, just a mile on level ground until I got to the hill approaching our house. Maybe it was also the heat this Saturday morning, but I was completely bushed after the 40-minute ride, so I had to rest.
Not long ago I could go twice as far in half the time. I must accept this fact and not complain, even inwardly. Yes, I have limitations, but I am still ambulatory and able to count my blessings. Thanks for the reminder, Dorothy, for me a definite reality check.
The thing I’ve found hardest to adjust to physically is the loss of physical strength. It makes gardening a whole different game. Lifting huge pots and bags of mulch and dirt are a thing of the past. I keep wondering if I concentrated on strengthening my arms if it would make a difference, but I don’t do it. What I’ve done instead is changed my style and level of gardening. I’m slowly bringing it all to our deck in reasonably sized pots and its actually created a wonderful place for us to sit in the evenings and early mornings before the sun gets too hot. Adaptability is the name of the game! And, I’m impressed that you rode your bike for a mile! That’s a good bit of exercise!
About this loss of strength….I recognize this is inevitable but, sometimes I wonder am I talking myself into some things too soon? Like lifting a bag of mulch. I find that now when I buy something like this at the gardening center I ask for someone to load it into my truck. Is it really not possible or do I just not wish to do it any longer? Like….do I ask too little of myself? Or do I project being old before I’m really ready to project that? It goes without saying that recovering from injuries is certainly more complicated as one ages so maybe it’s my body being smarter than I am. I live on a small organic farm and there is always much labor to be done however, I find I do less and less of it. An occasional helper who is a bit older than me, I’m 68, told me that his back doctor told him that anyone over 70 shouldn’t be lifting anything heavier than a pack of cards. It’s kind of like am I no longer relevant? When I’ve asked much older senior women about being relevant one very successful published author asked me “why do you need to be relevant?” It really took me up short. Well…I don’t know why.
I have the same instinct to “not try” to lift heavy objects. Maybe it is just that, an instinct, similar to that of a child who will not walk on a broken leg. Maybe it’s just built into us at a certain point because our body knows it’s not good for us. If we keep moving and doing things we enjoy, we will keep our bodies healthy, mobile and flexible while not causing injury. As for being relevant, I believe the only person we need to be relevant to is ourselves, our beliefs and our values. If we are living each day, using our gifts and abilities in a positive manner, we’re relevant. What anyone else thinks really doesn’t matter. It never did. We just didn’t know it! Thank you for sharing your insights and thoughts, Linda. Gave me more to think about! 🙂
Wow Dorothy, you pretty much covered it here. Everything you wrote about certainly has had to have been some parts at least, that every woman has or will have to struggle with. We have to find the comfort and peace within ourself to be grateful for all that we do have. And sometimes that task is something that many don’t overcome and let hinder a lot of joy for the duration of their lives.