There’s No Such Thing As A Perfect Marriage

RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES

 

PERFECTION IS MAKE BELIEVE

Perfection is a construct, an elusive creation of our imagination. What we imagine as a perfect relationship is largely driven by our underlying beliefs. These beliefs, formed in early childhood, silently play a part in all of our relationships. Our position in the family, the way our parents talked to us, their rules, sibling relationships are all dynamics that played a part in programing us as to how to interact with others. When we are unaware of these beliefs and dynamics we risk living in an endless loop in all of our relationship. When we do the work to uncover these beliefs and bring them into conscious awareness, then we can effectively address our relationship issues.

I continue to be surprised that many women over fifty are still looking for that perfect someone. Granted, some partners are better fit than others, but we carry our problems into any intimate relationship. The bottom line? There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.

In my twenties, I believed that the best way to achieve a perfect marriage was to find the perfect partner. I would just “know” when I’d met my soul mate, and while we’d have challenges, we’d conquer them together. Love makes all things right in the end, doesn’t it? Sound familiar?

I didn’t have a clue. Thirty-four years of life experience, navigating both my marriage and family relationships, along with watching friends’ relationships come and go, has taught me that a perfect marriage is only an ideal to aim for. If we expect to achieve it we’re fooling ourselves. No relationship is perfect. Not in this lifetime anyway.

Consider this. A perfect relationship can only exist if each of the partners have a perfect relationship with themselves.  And, we all know how difficult that is! Why do we expect that all of our flaws and internal confusion would suddenly evaporate just because we’re in love? Likewise, our partners’ imperfections are not going anywhere either. They, too, are driven by their own personal brand of unconscious beliefs and reactions. But hang on! There’s good news. 

RELATIONSHIPS FORCE US TO CHANGE

The best gift of any good relationship is that it pushes us to dig deep and dig often into who we are. We grow and become more aware of who we are in the process. The conflict and challenges inherent in our intimate relationships are a perfect resource for bringing our unconscious beliefs to the surface. We can then evaluate them. Are those our old, inaccurate beliefs or current ones that come straight from our heart? We must learn to be deeply honest with ourselves and understand where our feelings and emotions are coming from. Honest introspection diminishes anger, frustration, and resentment. They cannot co-exist.

When we are clear on our own issues we will no longer pass them off on another. 

PASSING THE BUCK

Resentment appears in our relationships to tell us that it’s time to go to work. It is so easy to believe that the other person is responsible for our happiness. We are then stuck in the loop of blaming the other for things we are unhappy about, and therefore expecting them to change to make us happy. But that will never work. You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself. Add in poor communication and discussion in the relationship, and you’re set up for failure.

Feelings of resentment should be a signal to ourselves that we believe we do not have the power to make ourselves happy. When we experience feelings of resentment, we are really asking someone else to be responsible for our happiness. “You are the cause of my misery,” we think. Unless you can get to the real source of your inner discontent, resentment will continue to fester. Many relationships have ended because couples were trapped in the loop of their own resentment and blame. 

HONESTY IS REQUIRED

We cannot be genuinely joyous, peaceful, and comfortable with another human being until we have that with ourselves. Therein lies the challenge of all marriages and of all relationships, regardless of what the couples on the big screen would have us believe.

Marriage takes honesty, self-esteem, courage, and the willingness to be vulnerable. We must develop the ability to bear the shame of being less than perfect — and accept imperfection in our partner. This requires the courage to tell the truth, and stand in our truth by owning our feelings, all of them. It requires taking a good look at who we are as individuals and how we are co-creating the world we find ourselves living in. It’s staying committed to riding the waves and surviving the storms. . . together.

We are surprised and disheartened when storms arise in our perfect marriage. We should not be surprised. After all, relationships are made up of two very imperfect people with limited awareness of why they do what they do.  Trying to love and understand one another when we don’t even love and understand ourselves is difficult, if not impossible. When we do not see this underlying issue, we come to the erroneous conclusion that either the relationship, or the other person is wrong. We cannot know if this is true until we have a solid relationship with ourselves. This takes work.

ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE UPS AND DOWNS

Every relationship has both positive and negative dynamics. We may like the same foods, but hate that the other leaves his/her shoes in the middle of the living room. More important than the specifics, however, is what lies beneath our discomfort. Why are we so distressed, frustrated or angry that our partner doesn’t like the movies we love? Why do we feel anger, resentment, frustration and loneliness? Chances are we don’t have a similar reaction with a friend who has different tastes.

On a deeper level, we might love our partner’s courage, strength and commitment to his work but hate that he lacks the self-confidence to own all that he is. The truth is that what bugs us about him, is very likely what bothers us about ourselves. If we look there, look within, and not at him/her, we will find our answers to our discomfort and suffering.

There’s another truth about marriage discomforts. When we feel at odds with ourselves, we may quite suddenly focus on our spouse’s flaws.  It’s a perfect avoidance tactic. I can’t fix myself, so I will try to fix him. Of course, this is largely unconscious. We are often not aware of our such motivations. If we were, they would automatically change.  These deflective behaviors are a way of shielding ourselves from pain. What’s fascinating is that when we’re happy with ourselves and life in general, we’re happier in our relationships.

SEEK LOVE WITHOUT CEASING

I never hesitate to encourage my friends to seek love – endlessly if necessary – because I believe in love. I am committed to love in all avenues of my life. But, love is not always what we think it is when we’re in the midst of our longing. I used to fall in love regularly, with people, ideas, fads, movies. Love came easily to me when I was young. Enthusiasm for something thrilling swept me away, and I’d dive head first into new endeavors. A new idea energized me. I learned later that this was to some extent a drive to feel good and to alleviate the unresolved underlying pain.

The feeling of being infatuated with another is wonderful, but it is, to one degree or another, a sort of psychosis, not grounds for a perfect marriage.  In other words, we are not seeing reality in those moments. We are not seeing the whole picture. I do believe we should savor these moments of attraction, but we must not depend on them as the relationship develops. We must mourn their loss when the peak of the ride is over and move on into a deeper, richer connection that is a slow, steady pulse of connection and warmth.

FRIENDSHIP IS A PRE-REQUISITE

In a long-term relationship, the friendship and respect between two people is what will carry them through any difficulty. It will not be the sparks, the great sex, or the feelings of love. Feelings of love, like all feelings, are elusive. They are not a reliable source of commitment, nor will they guide us through the rough patches.

When we look in another’s eyes and see our self, our soul reflected back to us, then we have everything we need to carry us forward. It is not a look of infatuation, of adoration, or a glassy-eyed connection. It is based in an honesty that makes us feel vulnerable, frightened even, but true. Most of us never dare look at another deeply and allow the experience of being seen — really seen. It terrifies us. We are not sure we are worthy enough, and we may not trust it.

VULNERABILITY A NECESSITY

In long-term relationships, really looking at one another often falls by the wayside, as habits of connection take its place. This is a mistake. To sustain a connection, we owe it to ourselves and each other to look into our loved one’s eyes often, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable.  This is how we stay connected to the heart of the the other, and nibble at the edges of a perfect marriage.  It is how we stay connected to ourselves and our vulnerability. The truth in every solid relationship resides in our willingness to be open and vulnerable. And, this is difficult, so we seek the ever-elusive “perfect relationship” instead.