Silence Not Silent

I have been mostly silent much of my life. As an introvert growing up in a family who couldn’t “hear” me and a world who didn’t understand me, silence came naturally to me. Words were always slow to form, regardless of my desire to do so. My attempts to speak into my world invariably failed.  And, as a result, the silence that befell me was both deafening and defeating. It was more unbearable to speak and not be heard than to not speak at all.

NOISY SILENCE

This silence was anything but silent. The noise within me was a cacophony of sound. My soul was screaming in anguish, and clanging and banging of anger and frustration. Many words came to mind, but they remained stuck, running in circles each trying to overpower the other; loud torrents of retribution and shame, rivers of despair, waves of excitement, deep longings for release, passionate hope, unrelenting belief and a desperate commitment to love.

My eleventh grade  English teacher wrote a note on one of my homework assignments, “I see and sense that you have much to say. Why don’t you speak?” He was a progressive, late 60’s kind of English teacher who was more philosopher than a literature instructor. He engaged our class most days on the pressing issues of the times. The assigned subject matter was merely an after thought.

HEATED DEBATE

Mr. Lenchitz dug behind our preconceptions, prodded us to think beyond the typical rhetoric and to express our deepest beliefs. I loved listening to the often heated discussions – student to student, teacher to student and student to teacher – the debates were often fierce. My classmates were some of the brightest and most verbal students in my high school. Children of parents who were lawyers, doctors, and professionals in nearby New York City.  My classmates were fired up about Viet Nam, as was I, and passionate about freedom, peace, human rights, and equality. I had thoughts. Many of them. But I remained silent, often hating myself because I did so, feeling deep shame because I could not stand up to the test of these debate.

My silence has been both a curse and a blessing in my lifetime. It becomes less of a curse and more of a blessing as time goes by. I have learned to accept myself, just as I am. I am also less silent for sure, as the years often release the most reluctant speakers from the grip of silence.

GIFTS OF SILENCE

Not speaking, however, taught me to listen. It taught me to watch and observe. It taught me patience. Silence also taught me to look for answers within myself. Not talking helped me discover the meaning of true silence in a world that prefers to talk itself into the ground. I respect silence now, when once I cursed it. We are all capable of silence. It is where we will find our deepest truth and strength.

A couple of days ago, my Facebook erupted. It seems something I posted created an argument among followers. A torrent of words and rhetoric filled the comment section. I scanned the dialogue, looking for comments that were helpful to the conversation. Most were not. Anger, name calling, defensive behavior, posturing, fear, hurt feelings. It was clear meeting of minds, common ground, understanding would not occur. Very little listening was taking place. This seems to be the way people have come to attempt to settle  issues in this country. Would that everyone would just be silent, take action instead, do what one is called to do  in her heart. Conversation is not needed or necessary when we follow our inner guidance, most especially if emotions muddy the water.

DIALOGUE OR CONFUSION

Conversation and dialogue between two people who speak different languages can not move things forward. Rather it confuses and angers, and diverts our attention from what is most important.  And, it spreads a cloud so thick that new options can’t be found.

Like silence, conversation is a blessing and a curse. When it comes to silence, however, Caroline Myss gives us something to work toward, something to aspire to, a place within us that is a treasure to be found. I still usually choose silence during debates. I choose to listen, reflect, weed through and weigh and measure the words of others against my own heart. In the end, acting from our own conscience and heart is what we are meant to do.

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If you are an introvert I highly recommend Quiet – The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking – for current research and a rich understanding of the nature of introversion.