I have been on the road for over a week experiencing vistas far beyond my imaginings. Sure, I’ve seen pictures of such sights, but the reality is grander, more heart and soul-stirring than a picture can ever convey. (I’ve snapped a few thousand myself!) What I’ve seen and experienced has put me on sensory overload, and today I’ve shut it all down in order to rest and re-group.
Our initial plan was to end our journey at the Grand Canyon before turning around and heading home. We are currently in Durango, CO. Yesterday, we visited Mesa Verde and last night we hit a wall. We’ve driven 2,500 miles and have that much more to drive. So, our plans are changing.
I’d love to go the distance, but we aren’t as young as we used to be. I also long to immerse myself more slowly in my surroundings…to really experience what I am experiencing. I’ve barely acclimated to the altitude and climate change, let alone taken in all there is to take in.
If I were twenty, or thirty, or even forty I’d turn around without hesitation. But, I’m 64 and life and finances being what they are, envisioning another trip seems harder to do. Even as time seems to go more quickly, doing things seems to take longer. The combination makes long-term planning harder to do!
Today, I am feeling sorrow for what won’t be this time around; frustration for needing to wait; awareness that I have limitations; deep gratitude for what I have already been able to see and an awareness that I have finally learned to accept when enough is enough.
I’m promising myself a trip to the Grand Canyon by air — and plan to put the hard work into this promise to make it happen. Still, there is the recognition that life is just like this. It’s not perfection. We will never get to do, or see, or be all we want to do, or be, or see, and we must never stop trying and dreaming. Allowing ourselves to hope and be propelled toward something of value has its value. It keeps us living and immersed in life.
Sometimes we have to wait. Sometimes we have to rest. Sometimes we have to heal. Sometimes we are in an in-between time when we are uncertain of what is next. We may not know the reason or purpose for the waiting, or even know what it fully means to move forward. That’s just the way reality is constructed. Choosing to accept what is…leaning into the waiting instead of fighting it or wishing things were different, frees our energy for the present. I’ve waited 64 years to make this trip. We’ve talked about traveling across the country to see the Grand Canyon since before our children were born. We may hate that we are being sidelined, but everything is exactly as it should be today. We really don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
Life interrupts our plans all the time, by accidents, illnesses, and circumstances beyond our control. When we are sidelined, for whatever reason, our job is to tune into the guidance, the lessons, the messages that are being given to us in this moment. When we tune into what our body, mind and spirit we will begin to see where our attention is needed. The down times, the sidelined times, while frustrating and often painful, are more often than not the times when we learn the most. Most importantly, the outcome is often not the disaster we envision. Even when things look the bleakest to us, vast opportunity exists for an outcome we can’t even imagine, one that may be far superior to what our mind chatter likes to tell us.
As with all things, life is a question of balance, and sometimes we need a kick in the butt to get things back in balance.
I was reminded today of this beautiful prayer by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ.
Patient Trust
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ
excerpted from Hearts on Fire
– See more at: http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/8078/prayer-of-theilhard-de-chardin#sthash.Q3INg6lS.dpuf
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Thanks for sharing this beautiful post. What an adventure, so much to be grateful for Dorothy, a trip of a lifetime. You said it, we can’t always do everything we want, but surely we can savor the moments of the gifts we receive in increments. Dreaming certainly keeps me going. And what we focus on will be brought forth. 🙂
I’m focusing on getting back to Pagosa Springs! 🙂 I want to spend a few more days breathing in the wide open spaces and being grateful for this beautiful world. (I’m also focusing on getting over a miserable cold I brought home with me. I’m convinced it’s because I can’t “breathe” in NC! Could it be? :))
What a timely post for me, Dorothy! I, too, am learning to live with limitations. It can be a challenge, no? Once I would have hiked up a 12,000 ft mountain, and now I find myself awestruck from the base 🙂
I just love, “leaning into the waiting instead of fighting it or wishing things were different, frees our energy for the present. ”
So true!
Thank you for this.
Most definitely! I felt the deep desire to run up the rocky mountains and climb my way to the top like I used to do in Maine when I was a kid – this time, for me, it was good enough to know I still had that desire locked somewhere deep inside of me. One day I will return and do a little mountain climbing, at a slower pace perhaps, but nevertheless my heart will pound, my muscles will rebel and I will feel alive…alive and deeply connected to the earth. (Now to get in better shape so I can do it!)
Thank you for the great reminder that it is OK not to do it all! So much is focused on bucket lists and continuous growth that it feels wrong to stop and take a breath, in the moment. We are in the midst of planning our first major trip after retirement and have dropped a few countries from the list to make it more manageable. I felt sad that we would miss out on some of the experience and yet, I know in my heart that too much is indeed too much. Learning to trust my wisdom in the moment and not depending on the next thrill to kick me forward is a skill and my one aim in these colourful golden years! The Grand Canyon in your future will be just as amazing then as it is now.
As the years pile up we sometimes feel a bit of panic to do it all, NOW! I came home from our trip feeling very “greedy for life”! I had to talk myself down because I also, even before the trip, learned that I want to live my years, by going deeper rather than skimming the surface. I’m pretty sure that’s a personal choice, but for me it’s the right way. I want to immerse myself in each experience and I learned that this is true of traveling as well. You are so right about it being a skill to tune in. It takes practice and one we must attend to in a culture that pushes, pulls and prods us at a faster and faster pace. Tuning out and tuning in makes every experience amazing. Thanks, Eileen for sharing your thoughts. Good luck with your plans!