A year ago May, the opportunity arose for me to step into the shoes of the “mother of the groom”. Up until the day I started shopping, I assumed I was too young to play that role! When I began searching for something suitable to wear, I was stymied. Nothing I saw reflected me! They styles were all too old fashioned, too “mother of the bride”, too something my mother would wear!
Clearly I was out of touch with reality. I was, in fact, ten years older than the bride’s parents! I was the right age for a mother of the groom, and in some cases the grandmother of the groom! Still, shopping for a dress stirred up a hornet’s nest of conflict. Who was I? Suddenly, a fun and exciting process was morphing into a nightmare of epic proportions, and it was all going on inside of me! (Well, except the part the spilled out on my husband, poor man. I am so blessed.)
EXCITEMENT TURNED TUMULTUOUS
I was blissfully happy and over the top excited about the wedding until the day arrived when I had to decide what to wear, and I was not loving the unresolved issue I was facing. After several tumultuous and agonizing weeks, I began to wake up to the unresolved issues beneath this simple decision. It was not about the choice of a dress at all. (I know you know that!)
Unable to step back from the situation, I could not love the questions and embrace the process of discovery. Instead, I went to war with myself. Precipitated by a family gathering, old conflicts brought my tribal insecurities to the surface. I didn’t like it one bit, but it was exactly what I needed. My goal was to show up as my authentic self, and this is what was required.
So I began to slow things down. I took time to breathe and meditate, and to live with the unanswered questions. I let go of my need to know the answers before I even knew the questions. The cause of my conflict slowly rose to the surface.
EXPECTATIONS OF THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM
I was not looking for a dress, I was looking for an expression of my authentic self. Conflict arose because I was unconsciously trying to live up to the expectations of my childhood tribe. And, they were in conflict with who I am now. The intensity caught me off guard, but it was a new opportunity for growth and self-actualization. Even though I believed these issues were resolved, another layer was about to be peeled away.
Choosing a dress for my son’s wedding was a much bigger decision than I understood at first. The decision was a symbolic one, an act of self-expression and an excellent opportunity for me to bring forth another piece of myself. In order to show up as myself, it was necessary to dispense with any concern I had, both conscious and unconscious, of what I believed others expected of me. This included, most especially, my big sister and my deceased mother! That’s where the real healing needed to take place.
REDUCE RESISTANCE
As I reduced my resistance, the details of the conflict became clearer and my choice of a dress was then a breeze! I knew exactly what I wanted, I just had to let go of all the history that was keeping me locked in indecision. What I chose was not what either my mother or sister would have chosen. It was not what I had perceived initially as appropriate attire for the “mother of the groom”. What I chose, however, was exactly what I wanted to wear. Poof. The conflict vanished!
I walked out of the store giggling with self-satisfaction, dress slung over my shoulder. I truly did not care what anyone thought of my decision. To me this was proof positive that I had made the right decision and had chosen from the very center of me. It was a lovely feeling and one that continues to bear fruit. Resolving conflicts such as the one that still lived in me prior to this time, doesn’t just make a dress buying decision easier, it gives us back a piece of ourselves. And, it’s ours to keep.
Each time we make a choice from our authentic self we take a step toward inner peace. It is not the absence of problems, but the growing ability to trust the process and our inner guidance with each challenge we face. Being patient with the process of self-discovery is essential when traveling the path of authentic living. We will never resolve all of our issues, but what we can learn to love the questions and trust the process a little more each day.
Dorothy Sander © 2016
Discover more from Aging Abundantly
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
My goodness, what a re-lived story. I perfectly understand this unforgettable as well as stressful time. I became aware though that being the mother of the groom did not seem to be that important as was the role of the mother of the bride. All the heartache and agony for making the required impressions went flat. Yet, the realization of my new position in my youngest son’s life brought me to a reality. I retreated as much and as gracefully as I could into several steps below where I’ve kept my place since then. One of the life’s lessons.
I feel that as well, Xanthoula, more and more with each passing day. Sometimes it feels like a giant whole in my heart where once such care and concern lived. Day by day it is filled with love for my extended family and the sense of calm I experience knowing he is well loved. Although I have no daughters, I feel certain that the old proverb “a son is a son until he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life”. And, though sometimes I miss the days of being the queen in my sons’ life, I know it is exactly as it should be!
A very enjoyable post. Your choice was lovely.
Thanks, Robbie!