Bullies & Narcissists – Characteristics

Before I begin my topic of bullies and narcissists, I’d like to apologize to any of you who tried to visit The Aging Abundantly Community website over the last six weeks.  It seems gremlins weaseled their way into the technical workings of the site and mucked things up really good.  It so happens this problem occurred while I was in Missouri reveling in the birth of my very first grandchild and I was unable to address the issue until I returned. Fortunately, we are back up and running, thanks to people who know what they’re doing! Thank you for your patience! DS

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A Little Background

Yesterday, I shared some of my reflections on bullying and narcissism in the Aging Abundantly Circle Meet Up on Facebook. It seemed to strike a nerve with many and upon request I am posting it here for wider circulation.

To one degree or another, I fear we all have had to wrestle with narcissists and bullies. We learn a great deal from these relationships, despite the pain they create. I am working diligently to turn my pain into gemstones that can shed light for others.  It is my hope that as we learn more and more about the workings of the brain and the emotions, we can begin to see the signs and behaviors more clearly and become proactive in our response. In this way, we may be able to improve lives and reduce suffering for all involved.  I would give anything to prevent my children from experiencing the pain I have suffered in my life time. I know this is not possible, but I hold out hope for incremental improvement for future generations. Emotional and psychological pain can destroy a life just as surely as can physical illness.

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BULLIES & NARCISSISTS – Characteristics

Here’s what I have learned from my first-hand experience with bullies and narcissists. This is by no means a thorough discourse on the subject, but it may help to provide some awareness and understanding to a broader understanding of certain types of difficult people. Many of us have been in close relationship with such people and spent far too long confused by their behavior and the pain it causes.  Too often, we blame ourselves for our difficulties. When we recognize unhealthy behavior in others, we can begin to separate out where our responsibility begins and ends.

• Most bullies are narcissists, though the reverse need not be true. Bullies and narcissists cannot change unless they are willing to take responsibility for their behavior. They rarely do as it is the nature of narcissists to blame others. This is why in relationships you will notice that they turn all conversations around to be about them. You may complain of a hurt, but they will tell you it’s your fault that they hurt you. (gaslighting)
• If one chooses to be in a relationship with a bully/narcissist, then one must be willing to give and not receive; one needs thick skin to absorb the repeated blows and resilience to weather the storms of blame.
• Bullies prey on the kind-hearted. They know how to play to the sensitive and kind to get what they want and have no qualms in doing so. After all, their only goal is to get what they want/need.
• Bullies and narcissists are often admired from afar, and they are the life of the party. They adore being the center of attention and hearing how wonderful they are. They are happy to hear again and again how clever, smart and all-knowing they are.
• Bullies ruin lives. They manipulate, control, confuse and blame their children, their wives, and anyone they deem subordinate. They are often physically abusive as well.
• Bullies and narcissists build cults. This protects and insulates them from the consequences of their behavior and/or an infiltration of awareness that would cause their well-constructed façade from crumbling. The bully is the head of cult and the cult is made up of victims. A victim cannot see their value apart from their attachment to a stronger figure. They believe (consciously or unconsciously) that they are helpless and hopeless alone, and are often wounded children looking endlessly for a lost parent.
• As they age, and themselves become helpless, bullies either become tyrants or use their bully-nature to get every willing soul to do their bidding. They are survivors after all.
• My F-I-L’s bully-nature allows him to live independently at 94 while on full time oxygen and advancing heart failure. He complains that his children do not visit, but he has everyone in the neighborhood on speed dial, the kid next door bringing the trash in and out, the cart boy at the grocery store ready with a cart at his car, lifting the oxygen in and out of the car both coming and going. Church ushers meet him at the car and help him to his place in the choir where he sings his lungs out., and again assisting him his place in the children’s choir where he leads them in song on his harmonica. People love him. They don’t mind doing for him and accommodating his demands. They do not see the damage he has done.
• He is more self-reliant than most, even though he carries a very wounded child within him. The bully/narcissist likely suffered extreme abuse as a child and has learned how to survive. Bullies are children in an adult body. They too are wounded children, but their protective devices are cruel. They are able to protect themselves, even as they destroy those around them.
• One must be careful in offering them direct compassion or understanding. As frightened wounded children, they do not know how to give or receive love. They are locked in a Catch-22 and only a miracle can open their eyes and their hearts. And, I always pray for miracles.