In my last post, Pushed Out of My Comfort Zone , I wrote about my need to find the courage to do the thing I most wanted to do! Hopping on an airplane and flying solo is no big deal for many. But, for me, it was “great-big-huge” (to quote one of Caroline Myss’ oft used expressions).
COURAGE IS NOT ONE-SIZE-FITS ALL
Courage, and what we need to fuel it, is different for everyone. “Feel the fear and do it anyway!” often comes to mind. The title of a popular book by Susan Jeffers it sometimes feels more like a judgement than an inspiration, especially if I’m trying and it isn’t working! That’s one of the dangers of quotes. They are seldom the whole story. Jeffers needed a whole book to fill in the details. The popularity of the book, and the quote, tells me two things. First, a whole bunch of people are fighting fear. Second, they need a book’s worth of information to figure out how to even begin to feel the fear and do it anyway.
WE LIVE IN FEAR-FILLED TIMES
As Americans, our confidence in our political institutions has been badly shaken. We’ve faced challenges before, but never quite like what we are facing now. It’s not just one aspect of our government that’s under fire, it’s everything — from the Office of the Presidency and the fairness of our electoral process, to our national security, judicial system and the well-being of our planet. Most of all, our core values as Americans have been threatened. We are feeling a threat to our security and well-being every day. That’s not even taking into consideration what we are experiencing in our personal lives.
We are all wounded people, doing our best to keep on keeping on. How do we feel the fear and do it anyway? Threats to our fundamental beliefs and values are threats to our very existence, and we are instinctively thrust into survival mode. Our defenses are ratcheted up. These defenses look like denial, avoidance, and disconnection.
SECONDARY ASPECTS OF FEAR
After my accident, I dissociated. “Dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Dissociation seems to fall on a continuum of severity. Mild dissociation would be like daydreaming, getting “lost” in a book, or when you are driving down a familiar stretch of road and realize that you do not remember the last several miles,” as explained by MentalHealthAmerica.net. Dissociation is our psyche’s way out of pain. It keeps us from having a psychic break when our level of suffering is too hard to bear.
We all dissociate now and then, but extreme levels of dissociation wreak havoc on one’s life. When I was in the worst of my dissociative state, I felt like I was floating – sort of disconnected from everything around me. I didn’t even feel my feet on the ground, nor could I connect in any meaningful way to anything. I existed in a state of detachment so profound that I could do little more than sit in a chair and stare out of the window, all the while raging fear bubbled beneath the surface. Debilitating fear, such as this, is not something we can overcome through a mind over matter approach.
THE FEAR BENEATH THE SURFACE
While everyone is not recovering from CPTSD, the mechanisms used to overcome fear are the same. It is first necessary to recognize that our unconscious mind is very good at building walls and constructing masks to protect us from our fear and anxiety. Our attempts to find courage are often sabotaged by thoughts and feelings that we are not aware of.
No one can overcome fear without a certain amount of self-awareness and self-esteem. We need tools and support to do this. Very few can face overwhelming fear on their own. As human beings we need to feel safe to touch our wounded places.
“Courage is not something we just decide to have, it’s a muscle we strengthen.”
Building or rebuilding courage is a step by step process. Again, for me it’s been a 8 year process to be able to feel the fear and do it anyway. I needed to rebuild my sense of self and security by reconnecting with my body, my mind and my spirit. It was not a linear process, but a little of this and a little of that, bit by bit, little by little. For those shattered deeply in childhood or after, healing is a lifetime process that requires courage every single day.
THE MISSING INGREDIENT TO FINDING COURAGE
We all fear. . . we all hope. . . we all struggle. It’s the nature of life. And we don’t have to go it alone.
In the process of facing my fears this time I awoke in a personal way to something I had not understood as a fundamental and necessary ingredient to the process. Community. While it is true that we are designed for a life of challenge, we are also designed for a life of connection.
Like many, I was raised to believe that I should be able to do things on my own. As a child, my parents did not offer me the kind of support I needed when I was afraid, and they did not seem afraid. So, I grew up believing that fear was a flaw — that it was my fault that I was afraid. Consequently, I stumbled around in the dark hating myself for my inability to overcome my fear, not realizing the impossibility of the task! When we haven’t grown up with love and connection, we don’t know how to create it, nor do we fully understand its value.
We withdraw into ourselves when our self-esteem is shaken, or we are fearful. The last thing we want to do is ask for support. It is, however, exactly what we need to do! I love Brené Brown‘s writings on vulnerability. She cuts through the mental blocks and defenses we all have to keep from exposing our underbelly. This is especially true of independent Americans! But it is in making ourselves vulnerable that we can find meaningful connection with others, a heart and soul connection, not a mental one. This is what we need to find courage, someone who believes in us and is there for us through the process.
ENTERING INTO COMMUNITY
On my birthday, when my children told me they wanted to fly me to KC, I didn’t have time to put up my defenses. Plus, I had a couple of things going for me, my great-big-huge desire to see my grandson and attend my soon-to-be DIL’s bridal shower, and 7 years of healing and growth under my belt. I was ready to face my fears.
I also had something I didn’t realize I had — community. Honest, sincere, caring support from came my way freely, from my boys (who I am more accustomed to giving than receiving), from their wives who have fast become family; from friends, siblings, and my loving spouse who showed up for me in a way I’ve never experienced, although it is more likely that I am just able to let it in now. Most surprising of all was the incredibly kind and loving support I received from The Aging Abundantly Community. What a gift! Wow! I felt buoyed by the wings of an angel — and I believe that it was just that.
COMMUNITY – A SAFE PLACE
When I created the Aging Abundantly Community, I had no thoughts of creating community for myself! It was more a sense that we all need a safe space to talk and connect in these times especially. Heart to heart conversation online used to happen in blogs and through emails, but we’ve all become overwhelmed by the number of offerings on the internet. The need for the conversation and connection, however, is still present, and the wonderful women who continue to congregate here are the living, breathing proof that it’s important to all of us! Me included!
So, if you’re battling to find the courage to do something you want or need to do, reach out to us. The breadth and depth of love, knowledge, support and insight available in our circles is a thing to behold. You don’t have to go it alone. I didn’t. We care, and we will have your back.
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