Most of us remember the feeling of being pushed out of our comfort zone when we become a parent for the first time. Becoming a grandmother can elicit similar feelings. There’s no doubt that we feel overwhelming joy the moment the new little one arrives and an unexpected desire to protect and care for the newest family member. But, alas, while we have knowledge and experience, we have less control, and respecting our children’s boundaries is essential.
When the new mom begins to exhibit signs of postpartum depression things get even more complicated. How can we best support both mom and baby? We may feel torn. We love both of them! We want what’s best for our own child, but when she is struggling emotionally our concern for our grandchild is also in play, especially in the early months.
Being There For Them
As first time grandmothers we are learning how to be there for our children and grandchildren without violating boundaries. We don’t have to restrict ourselves to simply sitting by the phone. That can be very stressful and leads to feelings of helplessness. Instead we could use our outside perspective to their advantage. For example, we could be the one on the lookout for symptoms and signs of postpartum depression. Many first time mothers don’t recognize their symptoms, and assume it’s just hormones and the overwhelming demands of motherhood. So, they push through it and can make matters worse for themselves and the baby.
In addition, many new Moms aren’t able to admit to their partners that they’re struggling to get through each day. They don’t ask for the extra help they need because they believe they are supposed to be able to do it all themselves. If the other is your daughter who is struggling, you may know them well enough to see the depression. But, how will you share your observations?
Know When To Get Professional Help for Postpartum Depression
Weigh carefully how to offer beneficial and timely support. Consider first whether or not your daughter, by handling it on her own, is posing a risk to the baby. If she sense neglect, then stepping in and helping her get professional support may be the best move. Perhaps she’s unaware of the symptoms of postpartum depression and encouraging her to talk to a physician may help her get the information and assessments she needs.
Many factors contribute to postpartum depression and anxiety. A traumatic birth, for example, can require a longer than normal recovery period for mom. Sometimes legal action may be warranted. Contacting a birth injury attorney here may be a way to help. Learn the options available to your child, but consider the timing carefully when recommending legal proceedings.
The most effective form of professional help available for postpartum depression is counseling, especially during the first 6 months of the baby’s life. A counselor can education the mother on the nature and symptoms of postpartum depression which can effectively lift any extra guilt she may be feeling. Understanding her symptoms will help her address them. Having someone to talk to, who listens, is tremendously helpful.
TAKING CARE OF YOU
It’s upsetting to us, as grandmothers, to watch our daughter, or daughter-in-law, suffer. The stress created by wanting to help and not knowing how, can take its toll. The most helpful thing we can do in any situation like this is to keep the lines of communication open. Even if your daughter doesn’t want to discuss how they’re feeling just being there may be comfort enough. Reach out just to say hi and let her know you care, and accept that is enough. It is not our job to solve all of our children’s problems anymore and giving them our love and presence is plenty. They need that just as much, if not more, than all the advice in the world. Loving the mom is a through-line of love to the baby.
Symptoms of postpartum depression can include:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
- Feelings of hostility, including thoughts of harming the baby
- Anxiety
- Difficulty focusing or making decisions
- Fatigue
- Obsessive-compulsive behaviors
- Poor coordination
- Difficulty caring for self or baby
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