GETTING UNSTUCK — How to Get a Handle on What Is Holding You Back

Freeing ourselves from troublesome situations or behaviors is a skill not everyone possesses. We all experience times when things just don’t feel right and we are uncertain of what it is we need to change. At other times we know exactly what to do differently but we can’t find a way to break our resistance to doing what we know we need to do.  Then, we start beating ourselves up for our failure to change only making matters worse. Getting unstuck is more complicated than most of us understand, and the truth is, we are using the wrong skills and actions to make it happen.

Suppose, for example, you want to shed 20 lbs. You went to the doctor and she told you your cholesterol was high and threatened to put you on Statins.  Everything you know about Statins screams “no!”. So, it’s time to get serious about diet and exercise. It’s been an ongoing battle forever, one you win sometimes but ultimately lose. Something is going on that you can’t quite put your finger on and sooner or later you find yourself right back where you started – with 20 extra pounds and not exercising. What is that thing that holds you back?

The pull we feel, that sometimes almost feels like being glued to what is, is what’s often called “resistance”. Unfortunately, the older we get the more resistance we’re apt to feel when we are called upon to change or desire a change. We hang on tighter and tighter as we experience more years of hurt and our fear grows. Unpacking our resistance in any given situation is our key to change.

THE LAYERS OF RESISTANCE

In order to understand our own resistance, it is helpful to understand what goes into resistance for all of us. The best way I can describe this is to break it into the following layers.

INTELLECTUAL AWARENESS

n the above example of a resistance to diet and exercise, our intellectual awareness is the understanding of the situation. We “know” the facts, and get that diet and exercise can lower our cholesterol and help us achieve our desired goal of not taking Statins. We have no doubt about this part of it.

FEELINGS & EMOTIONS

Our feelings, however, are all over the place. On the one hand we’re excited at the possibility of losing weight and exercise. We know we’ll feel better about ourselves by doing what we know is best for us. Sometimes this initial understanding and intellectual awareness pushes us into high gear and we achieve early success.

Sooner or later, however, the opposite feelings start to arise. We may begin to feel angry that we “have” to even do this, angry at our ancestors, our genes, ourselves for not getting a handle on our weight sooner when it was easier to lose weight. Then, just as we start to achieve success, feelings of deprivation emerge. At first We felt virtuous passing up sweets, but then it starts to feel like a monumental sacrifice to say “no” to the cake at our grandson’s birthday, or the glass of wine we came to enjoy before dinner. Lord help us if we fall off the wagon! A torrent of anger at ourselves is unleashed and misery sets in.

OUR UNCONSCIOUS

Intellectual awareness and the awareness of our immediate feelings and emotions are our conscious awareness of the situation. It’s what we don’t see, what we are not aware of that is driving us and building our resistance to the goal we know we really do want to achieve.

TOOLS FOR COMBATING RESISTANCE

Getting in touch with our unconscious resistance takes work. The best way I know to go about bringing to conscious awareness what is stuck in our unconscious is to use any or all of the following tools:

1. Sit quietly. Bring to mind the feeling of resistance. Ask questions of this feeling like: What is it made of? Describe it. What color is it? Is it dark or light? What does it look like? Does it have a shape? Is it heavy? Can you name a feeling associated with it? Let what is hidden arise. Resist the desire to bury whatever feelings and memories come up. Allow them to surface, knowing that they will pass. A feeling will only last 90 sec. If you allow it to arise and be fully present, it will dissipate and leave your body. If you shove it back down it will stay present in your body sapping your energy.
2. Write down a focus question, i.e. Why am I afraid to lose weight? or How can I deal with my feelings of deprivation? When did my feelings of deprivation start? Then go about your day looking for signs and clues that will answer your focus question. You may see a quote on Facebook, or read a line in a book, or meet someone who will inadvertently deepen your understanding of your issue. This takes time, it may be a day or a week or a month, but something with arise that opens a doorway into your unconscious resistance to the change you wish to make.
3. Meditation, yoga, walking, journaling and dreams are additional activities that will open the door to your unconscious.

LIMITS OF THE INTELLECT

The process of becoming more and more conscious of what drives our choices is a life long process, but the most important thing to understand is that it is not an intellectual process only. We can’t think our way into consciousness. In fact, we must resist the temptation to allow our intellect alone to be the driving force of our lives. It doesn’t have all the answers and it often gets it wrong. Using all of our senses together and learning to rely on our extra sensory perceptions to lead the way will more easily bring us the results we are searching for.

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