Fear does not need to control your life. Yesterday, I posted this meme on the Aging Abundantly Facebook page with a brief message. I must admit I hesitated to post it. like all memes, it’s limited. But, I needed it as a reminder and thought others might as well. Still, a follower asked, with what I read as a note of desperation, how???
FEELINGS JUST ARE
For many years I did not believe that I had any control over my fears, or my feelings in general. And I had a ton of them! Raised in a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps family, I knew that way of dealing with fear didn’t work! The more years that passed, the more my unexpressed feelings tuned into a nightmare. I had no clue what do do about any of it.
What I finally did discover was that my feelings did NOT have to control of me, and just as important, I was not required to squash and bury them to accomplish that goal. Feelings just are. They rise and fall, the come and go and that’s okay. The are an invaluable tool to being our most authentic self. I will get to that a little more later.
FEAR IS A POWERFUL FEELING
Most of us started life with less fear than we have right now. If you’re like me, fear compounded over the years with challenging life experiences. When we’re not processing our feelings and experiences because we have not been taught how, our fears can grow exponentially until they boil over into CPTSD – Chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But, this doesn’t have to happen. Wrestling with fear is a daunting task until you have a few tools at your side to support your efforts to calm them.
OUR THOUGHTS FUEL OUR FEARS
When body/mind/spirit are in balance, one does not rule the other but they work together for the good of the whole. Feelings arise in response to an event and give us a clear message as to whether our deep self is in harmony with the event or not. A simple example: On your way to the grocery store a car cuts you off. You slam on the brakes. This is not an emotionally neutral experience and any number of feelings might arise, most out of your built in survival system. Physiologically adrenaline starts rushing through your body and you feel either fear or anger, or both. In this moment your body is giving you a clear signal. Beware! Danger!
What happens after this is different for everyone. Some might lay on the horn and curse the driver for the awful person he/she is. She might continue the narrative even after she arrives in the grocery store adding a whole story to this person – who he is and what a horrible person he is and how dare he.
A DIFFERENT NARRATIVE
Or, the experience might feed a different narrative. Nobody ever sees me. I’m invisible. Why wasn’t he paying attention to me. I was right there! He must be a very important person, too busy to notice little ole me. I’m worthless. These stories that we begin to tell ourselves have no resemblance to reality. The driver is essentially unknown to you. You can do one of two things in this situation. First, what most people do is let the narrative play out, undermine their self-confidence and color their entire day. A low rumbling of self-flagellation begins in the background and carries on indefinitely.
Or, you can stop, take a deep breath, and acknowledge the fear that arose in your body to tell you you were in danger and prompt you to slam on the brakes. Your body is on high alert even after the event has passed. First address that issue. Pull into a parking spot and take several deep breaths focusing only on relaxing and calming. If your thoughts continue, a they may, do not pay attention to them. Try to see them as a stream passing by. (I know this is not easy. But, it’s the awareness that they are other than who you are that is important.) As your body calms, your mind will follow suit.
Next acknowledge the narrative that has begun and set it aside. Create a new narrative with positive aspects. The driver was probably just a nice old man like your grandfather whom you love dearly and he just wasn’t paying attention. You are grateful that you were and could prevent an accident from happening that might have hurt him or ruined both of your days. All is well.
OUR FEELINGS OFFER US CHOICES
Every feeling that arises in us tells us a little bit about who we are, what we want and what we don’t want. Then our mind chooses to either listen to the feeling and act, or ignore the feeling and act in opposition to it in service to some external belief we hold. The more we allow our feelings to arise and listen to what they are telling us, the more we will work in harmony with our highest self. Fear arises when we are not telling ourselves the truth, not allowing our feelings expression, and/or not taking care of our bodies.
Dealing with fear is a three step process. Calm the body. Bring the story you are telling yourself to the surface. Listen to your feelings and hear what they are telling you about what you really want. Simple? Yes and no. It’s a lifetime practice that moves us away from fear and toward a more balanced life.
Can you provide an example of this process at work for you? How do you deal with fear?
MORE ON FEAR
Wrestling with Fear – More on Building Courage
Fear. How to Uncover this Powerful Emotion and Not Let it Control You
How to Manage Fear & Anger Post Election
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