BETRAYAL & The Power to Heal

Betrayal is a tough pill to swallow. I doubt that there is a person alive who has not felt betrayed at some time or another. Merriam-Webster offers  several definitions of the word betray that reveal its potential to  wound: 1) to fail or desert especially in time of need; 2) to reveal unintentionally; 3) to disclose in violation of confidence; 4) to lead astray.

Betrayal often begins early in life when a parent, out of ignorance or more likely their own wounding, fails to show up for their child at a time of need. Sadly, betrayal breaks the bond of trust between parent and child, a bond that is difficult to heal.

The age at which an experience of betrayal takes place is significant. If it occurs at a very young age, the response is not only pain, but self-blame. The child believes she is responsible for the betrayal, something she did was the cause. This ideation easily carries on into adulthood, so that whenever one feels betrayed later in life, self-blame is the result.

 

BETRAYAL – AN ARCHETYPAL WOUND

Dr. Mario Martinez counts betrayal as one of three archetypal wounds. He writes, “I believe betrayal is the most painful and difficult to resolve. It’s deceitful action that devastates trust. In addition to breaking a promise of devotion, betrayal shakes our faith in the best of humanity.”

He also notes that betrayal is what he calls a “hot wound” characterized by hot emotions and biological impact. We are angry when we are betrayed. Our emotions heat up, along with our body. Eventually it may become  depression, which is often described as anger turned inward, when a wound of betrayal is not healed.

HEALING THE WOUND OF BETRAYAL

The wound of betrayal is the most difficult wound to heal, but not impossible. It begins when we stop fighting our perceived enemy and turn toward understanding and self-healing. Anger is the sign and where we hold this anger in our body is an avenue for healing. Here’s how.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with a relationship with an important person in my life. I seem to get angry every time I’m around him. So far, there has been no single thing I can put my finger on as the source of my anger. I rail about this thing and the other, but I know in my gut that there’s something more. Today I discovered the source of the problem.

Dr. Mario Martinez in his book The Mind-Body Code provided the foundation for my discovery.

THE MIND-BODY CONNECTION

I believe, and research supports my belief, that there is a powerful connection between our mind and our body. Our thoughts show up in our physiology. Furthermore, the core of both our wounds and the most powerful resource for the healing of those wounds, is held in our body. Understanding is helpful to the process, but it is through a connection to our body that we can heal. Changing our thoughts alone will not do the trick.

To heal from an archetypal wound such as betrayal we must learn our body’s signals. Martinez calls locating these signals becoming aware of our body’s “portals” to the wounds. Others refer to these areas of the body as chakras which is a reminder that this information has been around for centuries. Current exploration of the topic is doing its best to combine what history always knew with the world in which we live today.

 

PORTALS OF HEALING

The portal relevant to betrayal is the portal where you feel anger, most likely the gut. The last time I was upset by an interaction with my challenging other I stepped outside, took several deep breaths, engaged my senses with the nature that surrounded me and tuned into my body. There it was. A knot in my stomach, tightened muscles, the evidence of anger, the hot physical response to betrayal. I kept breathing. I tried not to think but instead listen to my body and the messages it was sending me regarding betrayal.

What arose within me were memories from my childhood of a mother who rarely told me the truth. She was not a liar, per se. She was a loving, kind human being, but in relationships she was a people pleaser. Even as a very young child I sensed the untruth of her interactions. She could be miserable, grumpy, and angry at home  but in public she would act as if the world was perfect. She not only could not tell me the truth about how she felt, she could not allow herself to be honest with herself. As a child I felt endlessly betrayed by this characteristic. It was, in fact, gaslighting. She told me what she thought I needed to hear, or what she wanted me to believe, not the truth.

And that, is exactly how the difficult person in my life behaves, triggering me. What a gift! Now I can work to heal it. This wound came to me at a very early age, and therefore I continue to blame myself in the present in similar situations. I believe I must be doing something wrong. I must not be trustworthy, or worthy of the truth. But, that’s not it at all. It’s not about me, it’s about their inability to be honest with themselves and a result of their own wounding.

Martinez offers what he calls the healing field of loyalty as the way forward. In truth, loyalty is extremely important to me, as is honesty, but I cannot expect others to view it in a similar fashion. What I can do is connect with my own sense of truth and strengthen my loyalty to myself . At some later date, it may enter into the relationship, but for now my job is to hang on to my own truth when confronted by a challenge to it. This may involve stating it, and it may not. It may also involve boundaries, but mostly it’s about interior knowing.

Taking time to breathe through agitating situations is an invaluable resource for getting through them. In addition, when we tune into our body’s signals we gain the power to heal. We hold the truth and all we need to heal right inside of ourselves.

I highly recommend the audio version of Dr. Martinez’s book, The Mind-Body Code. At the end of each chapter he walks readers through an exercise in an effort to bring what we learn and know intellectually into the real world. They are all very helpful and effective. I found his voice soothing and easy to listen to.