RESENTMENT & SELF-PITY: Signposts for Self-Awareness

Resentment and self-pity are two feeling states that we have all experienced at one time or another. While they are uncomfortable, and often unproductive, with awareness and attention they can be tools for greater self-awareness and improved mental health.

PRIMARY AND SECONDARY EMOTIONS

It is helpful to first understand the difference between primary emotions and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are immediate emotional reactions to a situation. They are called “primary” because they come first and alert us to what we need in that moment.

Secondary emotions are, in essence, emotional responses to primary feelings when the primary emotion is not resolved properly.  In other words, they come after the primary emotion. They are self-protecting emotions that distance us from the primary emotion.

 

Resentment and self-pity are not considered primary emotions, which when expressed often offer relief.  Secondary emotions when they are expressed do not move us forward, but rather keep us stuck in self-defeating patterns of behavior. (Note: Researchers vary slightly in their classifications of emotions, but are in general agreement on the basics.)

SECONDARY EMOTIONS AS TOOLS

As we tune in to our emotional response to an upsetting situation, we can learn to spot a secondary emotion, such as resentment or self-pity. Let’s start with resentment. Resentment is the feeling of being treated unfairly. Example: Your sister, who is well off, shares her excitement with you over the new sunroom she had built on her house. You are struggling to make ends meet and suddenly feel anger and resentment toward your sister.  You want to feel happy for her, but your anger overshadows any positive feelings you might otherwise like to share.

When we gain some distance from our immediate reaction we can begin to dissect our response. Our thought process might go something like this: Why am I so angry? I shouldn’t be angry. I love my sister and I want her to be happy. But, why does she have to have so much and I have so little? What did I do wrong? And then, this can lead you back into the past and endless rumination over mistakes you’ve made. Rumination is a slippery slope and a waste of time and energy. It will not resolve the emotional issue.

MOVING THROUGH EMOTIONS

The truth is, that our resentment is telling us that we are unhappy with our own life, not with the other person’s. Furthermore, we likely feel powerless to change our situation. This set of feelings makes us very uncomfortable. We’re in conflict. We care about our sister’s happiness, and would prefer to feel happy for her.

When we tune in to our resentment and follow our emotions, using them as a springboard for self-awareness we can begin to find our way out of our confusion and discomfort. The following steps may help you move through these feeling states.

1. 1. Stop, breathe, find some distance from the situation. For example, if you’re on the phone with your sister, finish your conversation, hang up and then take a pen and paper and sit somewhere quiet where you can process your feelings on paper.
   2. Start with your immediate emotion. Write it out. I feel this and this and this right now.
   3. Follow your emotions until you reach a primary emotion. Looking carefully at our resentment, we may discover that we feel powerless in our own lives. We may be unhappy with our job, our relationship, our lack of focus and motivation. Digging around in this area will help us get to the core issues and the place where we can begin to take responsibility for our own happiness. We can then begin to make changes.