Navigating transitions becomes an art form for many of us, by the time we reach our 60s and 70s.
When I wrote several years ago about my husband’s diagnosis, I thought I’d write my way through the changes that were sure to come. But, some times things are just too complex and painful to talk about, for me at least. Living each day was all that I could seem to manage and when I did write, I wanted to write about something other than my life!
But, sooner or later, thoughts long to be expressed. They come to the surface and when I put them on paper (or screen) the real processing begins. I find my way forward in thought and feeling and there is movement in my life once again. We must go with the flow when navigating transitions, and take things as they come. Loss and change are never far from us. We are all losing loved ones by inches and degrees if not completely, and every loss requires us to make adjustments.
MEASURING TIME
It’s been three years (I think, I’m not much of a counter) since my husband’s diagnosis and it’s been an on-going journey of decline, adjustment, plateau, decline, adjustment, plateau. We’ve added a stair-lift, an electric wheelchair and a ramp to our world, along with a rollator, a walker, and cushions we can carry with us wherever we go. He cannot get up from a chair without assistance. We’ve learned to scout out restaurants with high tables, handicap parking, shops with scooters and easy access. Each trip out is a learning experience.I usually drive everywhere we go. He can still drive but it is tiring for him and so we both prefer he save his energy and use it for something he enjoys. A little over a month ago, at his quarterly appointment at the Duke MDA Clinic he was given the good news that he would be eligible to be in a study for a new trial drug for IBM. It was the first bit of hope we’d been given since the start. It lifted his spirits and he was energized.
TRAVELING ON
Shortly after, he decided he could drive himself to the dentist. Bless him, he was trying to give me a break which I desperately needed and even though I suspected he was feeling so strong because of the good news he’d been given, I relented. It was a thirty minute drive, and in an area of the Triangle he’d not traveled, but he spent half his life on the roads from here to New York and not easily deterred by such things.
As he readied himself to turn into the doctor’s office, somehow he pulled in front of an oncoming car (he did not see it and/or their speed was excessive). The oncoming car struck the front right corner of our car and spun him around and off onto the side of the road. He called me from the car immediately as he was having severe chest pains. He said the people in the other car had phoned the police and paramedics. I stayed on the phone with him, making every effort to calm him down until the ambulance arrived.
HELP IS ON THE WAY
Then I called my sons to see who was closest to him. As it turned out we were all 30 minutes from the hospital where they were taking him. Devon texted me the address and we all headed that way. In that moment I was so grateful for grown sons and daughter-in-laws willing to drop everything to be there for us.
After a thorough going over, it turned out that hubbies chest pain was the result of a broken sternum. The seatbelt had done its job. There was a price to pay, including a severely bruised abdomen, but without it, it would have been much worse.
It’s was a painful few weeks, especially on top of his mobility issues, a difficult healing process. Just last week he started back to physical therapy and swimming and I began to see new life in him once again. We’ve replaced the car and the Insta-Crate, the only other item to disintegrate in the accident.
ONE MORE HURDLE ~ NAVIGATING TRANSITIONS
However, Saturday, he had five teeth removed. He had to postpone it due to the accident and did not want to wait any longer. Insane as it sounds, I also had a tooth removed the same day. We didn’t know whether to laugh or cry by the time we got home. The oral surgeons is a 40 minutes drive, but fortunately better on the weekends.
And so, we soldier on. My D-I-L sent us Panera’s broccoli cheddar soup via Uber Eats – felt and tasted like a slice of heaven at that moment in time. Certainly too rich for my blood, both cost and calories, but we did enjoy it, and being cared for.
HEALING BEGINS AGAIN
My healing process has been much easier than his, of course, and I’m able to keep up with everything so far. But I know while I’m navigating transitions, taking care of myself must be a priority. For me, the hardest part of navigating transitions is my state of mind, especially when I’m exhausted or half sick myself. Aches and pains I can deal with, being tired I can deal with, but despair is like a noose around my neck. I know better how to deal with it when it does arise, and I am learning not to give into it.
Doing everything we can to stay in our wheelhouse through challenging times can help us through. This means staying connected to our source of strength and courage and can only come from within us. We may refer to it as different things and understand it in slightly different ways, but I believe it is a universal experience and something that’s available to all of us. We need simply turn toward it.
For me it is a place that I can sense and feel may way toward. Sometimes I gain access through moments of quiet meditation. At other times through spending time in nature or walking, or through listening to a lecture or writing. I know it as a place rich with hope, a wellspring for creativity and always, always life-affirming. It’s a place that is uniquely our own and that no one and nothing can give to us. Some experience it as God. Others as Source, Spirit, Creativity; it is the place that awaits us in our greatest hour of need or on a lazy Sunday afternoon. It’s always there waiting for us.
<3 Dorothy
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