Yesterday, while I was out walking, I ran into a neighbor I hadn’t seen in ages. She and her husband are only at home here part of the time. After they retired, they moved here to be close to their daughter and grandchildren but maintain a vacation home in another state where they spend the summer months. I don’t know her well, but always enjoy chatting with her. She’s interested and kind and well, we’re both of a certain age!
When I saw her walking toward me, I noticed her slouched shoulders and a slower than usual amble beside her old yellow dog. I wondered which one of the two was setting the pace. After we exchanged pleasantries, she asked about my husband as she always does, and then preceded to tell me that her husband was just diagnosed with some form of dementia. They’re waiting for specifics.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
“How do you do it?”, she asked me. I realized I have been asked that question so many times! I almost always answer, “I don’t know. Somehow you just do!” But, I felt she deserved a little more of an answer. If I’m honest, I believe I’ve learned some things over the past six years of caring for my husband. So I offered her a few thoughts, some of which I will share here with you today.
Caregiving is challenging. That’s a given. But, like any challenge, it’s also an opportunity to discover what we’re made of, to discover new ways of looking at things, and to be enriched, expanded and even enlivened. Don’t scoff. Just yet, anyway. Here me out first, because I’m deadly serious!
Like many women, I’ve spent a lifetime giving more than I got. At fifty I had a wake up call. At sixty I finally started to focus on the things that were important to me, just me and no one else. By the end of my sixth decade I was thrust quite abruptly and suddenly into a life that required me to give, give, give with little energy left over for all those dreams I’d been storing up for a lifetime. Talk about a wake up call. I was angry. Then depressed. Then angry. Then defiant. Then sad. Sad. Sad.
ANOTHER CURVE BALL
Once more life through me a curve, a challenge, and I was either going to have to woman-up or give up. It’s been a gradual process, and while I no longer kid myself into thinking there won’t be more wake up calls before my time here has ended, what I do know is that there is always a way to make the best of things. And, doing so always begins as an inside job.
Focusing on what’s going on inside our only sphere of influence, ourselves, is not simple in the world we live in, but what I do know is that it’s based on a decision we make to tend to that particular garden. As caregivers, we absolutely should shore up our resources, look for help from whomever and wherever it is available, but our primary focus must be to care for ourselves. What does that mean?
SPACE AND CHOICE
For me, it means making the time and space to think my own thoughts and make choices to do what’s necessary and important for my well-being. Therefore, step one would be to establish that time and stick to it. It could be 30 minutes in the morning before your charge wakes up or 30 minutes in the evening after he/she falls asleep. It could be twenty minutes while waiting in the car while they’re with the doctor. These times become little islands of sanity that you can learn to depend on.
I have a notebook that I often take with me to appointments and use regularly at home. I jot down what I’m thinking about, notes from a book I’m reading, and lists. Lists of what brings me joy, lists of things that I appreciate about someone who’s annoying me, what’s important to me, what I love to do, anything that lifts my spirits. The goal is to center myself on the upside of life, in my core self, find a way into seeing the bigger picture.
REAL SELF-CARE
This is what I mean by self-care. Yes, massages, manicures, time with friends are all valuable. But often these methods of self-care just skim the surface. If we’re sitting in a salon chair ruminating about how miserable we are, all the pampering in the world is not going to help us get through the next day. We must, and can, change the way we think about things. Begin there.
“The moment we discover our purpose is the moment we tap into an infinite source of energy. This is the moment we realize we weren’t tired; we were just uninspired. As Mark Twain said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
― Nothing You Don’t Already Know
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